If anyone doesn't recognize the allusion in the sub-title to Jonathan Swift's wonderful, satirical essay "A Modest Proposal," you should look that up. It is intended as a warning that what follows is satire, not intended to be taken seriously. Nor is it intended to give offense, but meant humorously. I hope that it offers a chuckle or two.

America, Canada and Australia share a common history, a more similiar-than-not culture and many physical characteristics. One has to wonder, then, why America is the unquestioned leader of the free world, while Canada and Australia are..........well, not leaders. The leadership role is both political and cultural. Why is that?

Canada and the US of A share the largest contiguous border in the world. As a land mass, both were, if you will, "discovered" by Europeans at the same time. (The soon-to-be virtually wiped out indigenous population of this area didn't realize that the continent had ever been "lost," so they did not anticipate it being "discovered." I mean after all, they were standing on the continent, how hard is that to discover?) A summary of the "discovery" ans subsequent history of Canada can be found at http://www.linksnorth.com/canada-history/discovery.html

Except for that "New France" error, uh I mean era, in Canadian history, the story of Canada is remarkably similiar to US history. Lots of resources lead to European settlement and colonization, westward expansion, wiping out the people that got in the way, etc. The British often referred to both America and Canada as parts of "British North America." In 1776, of course, America revolts against British rule and becomes an independent country. Some sixty years later, our northern brethren assimiliate this news ("America has gone independent, aye?") and strike for autonomy. Upper and Lower Canada unite to form Canada West and Canada East (don't look to ME to explain that one, I think it has to do with hockey conferences.) Like a child that wants to be "all grown up," but still needs to have his mother in sight, Canada remains a part of the British Commonwealth of Nations, mostly to piss off the French Canadiens.

Canada has made many contributions to the world's culture, including hockey, Celine Dion, hockey, Bachman Turner Overdrive, hockey and The Guess Who. You may recall The Guess Who as the band that recorded that song "American Woman." No comment.

Australia was discovered in 1770 by Captain James Cook. Again, the aborigenes didn't know that it was lost. The First Fleet landed in Port Jackson in 1788, and renamed it Sydney. Austalia, which is a much catchier name than New South Wales, filled a mighty need for the British Empire. Since prisoners could no longer be sent to America, which the British had found was revolting (did I phrase that right?) the British now shipped the scum of the prisons to the end of the Earth, Australia. And as with America, we scum thrived. You can read all about it at http://www.cultureandrecreation.gov.au/articles/australianhistory/

Lots of facts about Australia at http://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/as.html

Australia is sort of like the US, only people are upside down there, which gives them peculiar ideas about football. Australian football is what we call "violent crime" in the US, only it is in front of lots of people and they applaud when it is over. Just like getting mugged in New York City. Well, perhaps a little more painful. Official site of Australian Rules football is http://afl.com.au/

Like Canada, Australia has made many contributions to modern world culture. Paul Hogan, the one-hit-wonder group Men At Work and, of course, the world renowned actor Mel Gibson. Mel is a perfect example of Australia's contributions to the world today...wait, he was born in Peekskill, New York? Didn't move to Australia until he was 13 and the other kids made fun of his American accent? Make that "Australia has made SOME contributions to modern world culture" and lets move on.

Canadians and Australians love to watch all about America on their televisions, which of course only get like two channels that don't originate in the United States. They follow along with all the events that happen in "real countries" elsewhere in the world. Both countries have recently erected shrines to Michael Moore, who makes them feel good about themselves. It is kind of like the way Detroiters feel when they find out that the violent crime rate is higher in Washington or New York. Nothing to be proud of in and of itself, but at least you feel that it could be worse.

Canadians and Australians love to see bad news about the US. They have this picture of armed students walking the halls of American schools, shooting at each other. This is as accurate a picture as "Mad Max" was an accurate picture of everyday life in Australia. I can't think of any movies made about Canadian life, except for the McKenzie Brothers, whose website is at http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Academy/9134/ Go visit it, you hoser.

The three countries started off at the same place. All three had virtually unlimited natural resources. Yet you look where America is and where Canada and Australia are.....well, it is sort of like talking to your cousin who has not really done much since second grade. You really feel bad about acknowledging your kinship in front of strangers.

The brightest and the best of both Australia and Canada come to the United States to succeed. And not only the brightest and the best. Pamela Anderson is now a US citizen. And you wonder why our national IQ just dipped?

What I propose is that, since the three countries have so much in common, and both Australia and Canada like to join these "commonwealth" type organizations, what I would like to propose is that we bond together to create a new nation, an uber-nation if you will. Each country would preserve its individuality while drawing from the strengths of its fellows. The US could provide the leadership, while Canada and Australia could provide the cheap labor. In recognition of our equal partnership. the new union could be called THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (now featuring Canada and Australia.)

What do you think, eh?