***WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SOME SATIRE MEANT FOR ADULT SENSIBILITIES! THERE IS NO INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE, BUT THERE ARE SOME ELEMENTS THAT MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME. SATIRE HAS LONG BEEN USED TO DRAMATIZE A POINT AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE ORIGIANL "MODEST PROPOSAL' REFERENCES, I SUGGEST THAT YOU LOOK UP JONATHAN SWIFT. NO HARM IS INTENDED BY THIS POST.*********


White collar crime has reached epidemic proportions in America today. The CEOs of WorldCom, Enron, Tyco and others have endangered our economy and destroyed the pensions of millions. Yet, this week Andy and Lea Fastow of Enron plea-bargained their way to slaps on the wrists, even negotiating sentences to be served at separate times so that their children would not be "parent-less." If a married couple robs a gas station, will they be shown similiar leniency?

The trail of Dennis Kozlowski, former CEO of Tyco, accused of stealing $600 million from his own company offers us a unique opportunity to send a message to members of what Attorney General Robert Morgenthau referred to as "Top Executives Criminal Enterprise." As you may know, Dennis spent over $1 million of corporate funds on his wife's birthday party, which included a life-size version of Michelango's David, made of ice that squirted Vodka from his....well, that seems a legitimate business expense to me. While Dennis Kozlowski is awaiting trial for using a public corporation as his own private empire, I suggest that he be given accomodations suitable to his rank. We should offer him lodgings at New York's Rikers Island House of Detention.

Rikers is where theives, murderers, etc. go to await trial in New York. It is a historic building (the first section was built in 1932 and has not been upgraded much since then) with a scenic view of New York City. Located just 11 miles from the Statue of Liberty, Rikers is home to as many as 15,000 New York residents at any one time, making it the world's larget penal colony. Of course, Dennis will not be familiar with the society of fellow criminals (uh, I mean "alleged" criminals) so he will need a personal guide. I suggest "Big Bubba," a three-hundred plus pound inmate, very familiar with life on The Island. Dennis and Bubba can share a cell, and we will leave it to them to work out who gets the top bunk.

I would imagine that Dennis and Bubba would become quite close. True, Bubba might sell Dennis for a cigarette or two, but he would buy him back. Eventually.

The trial might go on for months, although I imagine that Dennis would now have an incentive to speed things up. Surveillance cameras could capture special moments (Tonight At Nine: Dennis Goes To The Bathroom!) which could be packaged as the ultimate reality show. After each episode a special phone number could flash where embezzlers could turn themselves in to avoid a similiar fate. Proceeds could go to reimburse those who lost their pension funds in scams.

It might seem a bit harsh, but I pretty much guarantee that it would cut down on white collar crime. And wouldn't it be great to see the birthday party that Dennis would throw for Bubba next year?

***END SATIRE. I REALLY DON'T WISH ANYONE HARM AND RIKERS ISLAND IS AS CLOSE TO HELL AS YOU CAN COME ON EARTH. BUT WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO ADDRESS THIS PROBLEM.****